I've been single for a while now;
probably the longest in my adult life. Being someone who doesn't "do"
lonely, dating for the sake of dating has never really made sense to me. I hold
on to the old fashioned notion that you will be drawn towards the people you're
meant to be drawn towards. Connecting to just one person can open up a hundred
other paths; love will come when its ready, and leave if it has to.
I never really expected to be single again, not to mention childless, at 40 - at the same time, it hadn't even occurred to me to think about not being single again, until recently. And, although I have no intention of starting to date, and I'm not "desperately seeking" someone, I think I'm finally at the point where, if the love of my life happened to appear, I'd be ready to let them in. I'm happy with who I am, and what I am, and what I have to offer as a partner in crime. Basically: I'm just happy. Like... a room; one that is absent of a roof.
It's taken me a long time to get there, but I'm back to being the baggage-free version of me. There's no-one I'm going to love more than the next person I fall in love with, there's no skeleton I'm not willing to drag out of the closet, no psychological breakdown on the horizon. (Oh wait, yeah, menopause - that can't be too many years away - but I'm sure whoever wins this particular lottery will love me regardless of whether I'm threatening them with a knife or not).
I think
part of my 'problem' (if you can call it that) is that I have absolute no
issue with be single. There's nothing I can't do on my own. (Except that lone
person on a see-saw thing that they do to illustrate 'being alone' in the
cartoons). Digging deeper, it's almost like, subconsciously, I've planned to
stay single: I've worked hard, and I know I have enough money to last me (on my
own) for the rest of my life (assuming I die at 78 years and 3 months, which,
let's face it, is a little on the optimistic side). I've surrounded myself with
married and gay guys. My regular hangouts are all 'coupley' places where I
won't get hit on. What could I possibly gain by entering into a relationship?
What would I stand to lose?
Of course, there is the whole physical needs thing. I ain't the hottest catch on the planet, by any stretch of the imagination, but I could take myself out to any bar and get laid if it became that much of an issue. The internet even saves me that trouble: I could post a Craigslist Ad and get 100 responses. (I conducted this experiment in Philadelphia, in 2007. 40 guys turned up to a bar without any clue who they were supposed to meet. They were supposed to meet me, but, oops, I was watching them from the upstairs bar of the hotel. My bad.). I know there are guys (and a few girls) who would happily step up to the plate if required, but I've never been able to separate sex from - not love - just, intense feelings. As much as I like those folk, I couldn't go there. My self-esteem and self-respect have remained undamaged so far, and I intend to keep it that way. Celibacy builds spirituality... I'll keep telling myself that, anyway!
Looks like the only thing that's gonna sway me away from this path is actual, real to life, good as gold love. I may be capable of feeling it again, but what are the chances I'll find it? Particularly if I'm not actually looking for it... although, isn't that always when it creeps up on you?
I don't
believe in magic per se, but I do believe in focus and intention, and a whole
bunch of other spiritual things that I'm not going to bore you with right now.
I believe based on my own experience. I don't expect anyone else to buy into
that.
I'm meditating
over this tonight... changing my internal status from 'single' to 'open'.
Let's see what falls my way.
