That was the main reason my long-term relationship broke up. I'd fallen
in love with someone else. Love at first sight, I didn't even think that
existed: I'd asked him to marry me and let me carry his children within 10
minutes of our meeting. It didn't matter that I'd been living with someone else
for five years. It didn't matter that I didn't know his surname at that point,
or his age, or what he did for a living. I just knew that I loved him more
deeply than anyone I'd ever loved before.
He, however, had a girlfriend he was relatively faithful to, and my
feelings weren't reciprocated - in fact, to this day, he probably thinks that I
was just drunk (I wasn't) - so nothing happened that night. Except for me
laying the groundwork, nothing happened for another two years.
Three years later, carrying his child, whilst still in the same stagnant
relationship, I realised the guy I'd fallen in love with was far from the ideal
man. He'd decided the best way to handle my pregnancy was to ignore me.
Ironically, it was my partner who talked him round, and bought him back into my
life. And how… to this day, neither he nor my then-partner will tell me what
was said, but he came back into my life loving me as much as I loved him. I
didn't even feel the pain of leaving my eight year relationship behind, and to
be fair, neither did my partner. I'd found true love, and I was happy like you
couldn't imagine.
The cracks began to form so quickly. He was young and lost in the world,
trying to make his way. I remained pretty sure of my place, established and
confident. He was a realist; pragmatic and practical. I was a dreamer;
spontaneous, impulsive, with my heart clearly worn on my sleeve. He was the most
talented composer I'd ever known, but he had no love for music... could there
have been a clearer sign than that?
For five months none of this mattered. Then, when I lost the baby:
everything mattered. I'd already lost my brother, and my father had died just a
week before. Suddenly, he'd become The Most Important Man In My Life. When he failed to live up to my expectations
of that role, I made him jump through hoops to prove that he loved me, even
though I always knew he did. I chipped away and chipped away at him until what
was once the purest love turned into a chaotic dark energy. It was destroying
both of us.
He made the break. I spent the best part of a year in
physical pain and psychological torment, blaming myself for what had happened.
Recovery was slow, and it was only through blocking him from every aspect of my
life I managed to heal. Then, just a few months ago, I decided I was healed enough,
and I let him back in, as a friend.
Every single thing I posted on Facebook, he 'liked'. When I left
Facebook, the emails started up again. Eventually, I started writing back. It
felt comfortable - comforting, even. There was calmness between us that had
never existed before. Every word was like a reassuring hand on a tired shoulder;
friendly and encouraging, with nothing hidden between the lines.
I had no intention of meeting up with him when I was in Stockholm last
week, but in the end, we drifted together. Without
even realising it, we recreated our first date - we ate in the same restaurant,
we went to the same bar, then we sat outside the library, smoking cigarettes
and talking until the sun reminded us it was time to part.
I wasn't in love with him anymore, and he wasn't in love with me
anymore, but I love him more deeply than anyone I've ever loved before. And although we'll never be together in any other sense
again, he is The Most Important Man In My Life. There isn’t a
thing he needs to do to prove himself.
