I've never been able to sing in
front of an audience.
That's a bit of a hindrance when you're the lead singer of a band, as you may imagine. When we started out, I'd have to down an entire bottle of vodka before I could get on stage. Some people loved that - the drunk teen forgetting the words to her own songs, falling over, and making no effort to hold a tune. For them, it was all part of 'the experience'. I hated it, and then I got all butthurt when people dared to hint that my performances were shambolic.
Even at that age, I was fully aware that I wasn't drinking for fun. If I was drinking for fun, it'd be 5 bottles of Diamond White. I was drinking to forget myself, forget the situation, forget I was about to be under the scrutiny of people I didn't actually know. In the end, and thankfully for my liver, I just stopped doing it. I didn't have the 'mettle' or whatever it is that it takes. Instead, I devoted myself to learning about this new thing called the internet, and if I wanted to put a song out - from 1994 onwards - I just did it online.
The strange thing is I sing all the fucking time. I'm on the introvert side, but I'm not THAT introverted. I do sing in front of people. I sing on the train, in the shops, walking down the street... It's only when I'm aware that their focus is on my singing, as opposed to anything else, that I start to freak out. It isn't conventional stage fright: I've never understood what my problem is.
People always come back with: "What about in the studio?" - honest answer being, I've never set foot in a studio. I'd lay down the basic structure of the song, the lads would go in and record their parts, then I'd do the rest at home. I recorded my vocals for the last 15 tracks on my iPhone. Prior to that, I used a digital video recorder. Prior to that, I used a cassette tape and a microphone. We probably ended up calling it "lo-fi" simply because I couldn't work with other people.
That was
the whole reason I forced myself to do the TV show before my 40th birthday. I
felt this anxiety was something that had profoundly changed the course of my
life, and I was determined to overcome it. I'd always said to my friends
that I'd do it before I turned 40, never believing the show would last 10
years; and when 10 years rolled around they held me to it.
I sent in a video online. That was all I was gonna do, there wasn't a chance in hell you'd catch me queuing up for a 'shot at fame'. I worked with some really famous people when I was in my 20s - I saw the pressure they were under from all sides, and I saw who'd they'd become because of that. It was the last thing I wanted...even with our extremely small fanbase, I'd had 'problem fans', and I'm not that great with people anyway. I couldn't imagine how I'd handle that being amplified by 'X' amount. The video was sent to show willing, nothing more.
What came next, I didn't expect: they loved the video, and I was put through to producers round, which meant there was no queuing or any of that malarkey. The next step had begun. I refused to mention to the producers that this was the very first time I'd sung in front of someone since I was 21 - I had no intention of becoming "storyline auditionee". - I took a deep breath, I closed my eyes, and I sang.
Of
course, I need to point out here, I'm not a good singer, anyway - when you're
recording with unlimited time and unlimited takes, you're going to get a decent
result eventually. But regardless of how mediocre I sounded, they liked me.
They liked my personality. They put me through to the celebrity panel.
I began to warm to the whole idea. Not because I'd finally found my courage, oh no. Because, I remembered that - somewhere in the archives - I had a song I'd written about one of the judges. He'd said back in season 2 or 3 that no one had ever written a song about him, so I'd written him one that night. Fully intended on recording it and sending it to him, but another song came along, the way they always do, and it never happened. This was my chance to breathe some life into a long dead project.
On the counter side, I still had to sing. They'd booked me in for three recordings on the sister show, so it was almost given that whatever I sang would appear on television. The idea of 10 million people potentially seeing me perform gave me more than one restless night, and I ended up chickening out in a way. I developed a little plot in my head where I'd get to do the audition in front of an audience, but it would never screen.
I ended
up playing on their music runner's slight inefficiency. I had an inkling
something was amiss when he'd double-checked that 'the words and melody were my
own'. I told him they were, and mentioned in passing it was a registered work.
(which, of course, it wasn't until 3 minutes later). I knew I was dry and clear
when he never responded to that. Then, when I dropped him the cue sheet information
after the audition, he actually asked me - God's honest truth - "What's a
cue sheet?". Yet he'd worked on Britain's biggest music show for 5
years....
Turns out
, in all the years they've been going, I'm the only artist they've ever
had audition with a song of their own that was already registered with a performing
rights society. They couldn't get publisher clearance in time (ahem) and the
audition never screened. Still, I did what I'd set out to do. I'd auditioned,
in front of an audience & played one of the judges his very own song.
I thought I'd got away with it. Then, about three weeks ago, they called and asked if I'd come back this year. I said no initially, but then I thought up a new plan, and I said 'yes'. Sometimes, to destroy the machine, you have to act like a cog.
This year's strategy is to sing songs that are well known in other countries, but not in the UK: my lead song is Paris (Ooh La La) by Grace Potter and The Nocturnals - I almost threw it out as a choice, until I saw the incredible Brian Fuente give it his all on The Voice USA, and I was sold. Quite incredibly, 9 out of 10 takes, I can totally rock it. My other songs are similarly unknown in the UK. I believe I know the show, and I know there is no way in hell they'd risk screening an unknown song to a primetime audience.
I'm still as anxious as I ever was. I haven't sung in front of people again since last year. I've lost a lot of sleep, I seem to live on Twtter, and I'm having the craziest dreams of my life. Still, I'm finally facing up to the judgement of Simon Cowell. And even though I know I'm not up to standard, I don't really care anymore. It's the taking part that counts.
